Christmas 2016

This was the fourth Christmas without Tommy.  I think the reason this one was so hard is because I had no mission in place.  Christmas 2013, I was still in shock but I was hatching my plan to do a charity ride across the country in his honor.  Christmas 2014, I was still working on my plans for my ride.  Christmas 2015, I had done Tom's Moms Ride.  I was feeling content. It was a powerful ride and I was healed.  Little did I realize.  This year I just felt empty.  I some times feel guilty about this feeling - I am so lucky to have Jay, India, and Ary.  I think sometimes, they want to be enough for me. They try to understand, they have their own feelings of loss to deal with.  When Jay, India, and Ary are together, I miss Tommy even more, as I loved the four of them together. They were teams.  Jay and India - Ary and Tommy. And then the teams would switch - brothers vs sisters, brothers there for sisters, sisters there for brothers.  So much fun together.  We still have a lot of fun together but a huge part is missing.  The dynamic has shifted.  They are occupied with their lives, their careers, their growing family -- and that is wonderful -- as it should be.  But I just keep wondering what Tommy would have wanted for Christmas this year.  His brother and sisters are aging and he is still 25.  Kenny Chesney's words became even more poignant this year.  " Who You'd Be Today"  The good news is that I was finally able to take a proper photograph of the three of them.  That represents healing to me.
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Tommy will forever be 25, I can't stand that.   Last weekend India and I went to one of his close friends 30th surprise party.  He has become like a son to Todd and me and we are so happy to have him be a part of our lives, part of our family.  I heard lots of stories of Tommy that I hadn't heard before, some made me cry, most made me laugh, all made me thankful.  Brian and Ashley are going to be married in November.  Nick and Tori have a baby, beautiful Scarlett, who will soon be a year old.  Johnny and Dom were married shortly after Tommy's death, they are now expecting.  Matt and Ashley were married two days after Tom's death.  Caleigh and Rick have two children that Tommy will never meet.  He was uncle Tom to their first one.  He was at their wedding, but he will never be able to stand with his other friends at their weddings or meet their babies. India and Bill's baby is due March 25th.  He will never be able to hold his nephew, he would have been such a great uncle.  I just can't stand that.
And so, as much as I think I have a handle on this grief thing, I realize I have a long way to go. 
Have to share Matt's story -- They were working on a science project in the living room.  They had a fire going and Tommy asked Matt to go out on the porch and get some wood.  Matt was in bare feet and started to complain.  Tommy, " Dude, the front porch stones are heated."  Matt believed him and out he went.  I can hear Tommy laughing.